Palest Ink

I am really excited about showing my prints at a coffee shop this week. I have never really had a public display of my work other than a graduation portfolio show, and I am really proud of the work I’m showing. Looking at them all lined up on my wall last night after I framed them was a thrill. The people at the coffee shop didn’t really know what I was bringing, so I was quite pleased when the owner was visibly impressed and told me he thought they were great. I have spent years exploring this artistic direction, figuring out where I was going with it, and it’s really nice to see that work recognized in some way.

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I am not sure what has changed recently, but I am feeling much better about life than I have in some time. It’s almost like I got sucked into a negative place, where I felt like I couldn’t think straight and all the jumbled information racing through my mind was overwhelming me and holding me back from moving forward with anything I was trying to work on. Now, I am starting to feel better and better, the fog is lifting. Needless to say, I am very excited about this change.

Side-note: I have been really bad at blogging, and have decided to try something different. I’m trying to no longer wait to write until I feel like I have something to say that is insightful and completely worked through in my head. So, hopefully you’ll see shorter, more frequent updates.

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I have been listening to an audio book at work (something I do frequently) about the brain. One of the chapters I heard today talked about how you could see the physical effect of negative/positive thinking on the brain in spect scans, and later outlined different types of ANT’s (automatic negative thoughts) to look out for and correct.
Generally, I consider myself to be a pretty positive person. I have been somewhat aware of the need to not allow these ANT’s to sabotage my life, and thought I was doing fairly well. However, when the book when into the specific types of negative thoughts, I realized I had very few of these categories under control after all. Funny how sometimes looking at specifics sometimes seems entirely different than viewing a topic as a whole.
Anyhow, I am renewing my commitment to be aware of these and to refute them whenever they come up. Having a concrete exercise to focus on makes my problems (in this case, one of feeling more insecure, inadequate) seem less overwhelming, and it will likely do me a lot of good.
In case anyone is curious, the 9 types are:
1) “Always” or “Never” statements: like “He never listens to me..”
2) Focusing only on negative: like when you receive 12 compliments and fixate on the 1 person who is not impressed
3) Fortune Telling: Assuming that you know in advance that something is going to turn out badly
4) Mind Reading: Assuming you know what he/she is thinking, and that it is bad.
5) Thinking with your feelings: like assuming that you’re not loved just because you feel unloved in the moment.
6) Guilt Beatings: saying “I should be doing this..” or “I need to do that” instead if “I would like this” or “I’d enjoy that”
7) Labeling: like “I am stupid” instead of “I occasionally do something stupid”
Personalizing: like when you assume your boss is in a bad mood because she is mad at you, rather than any other number of possible reasons.
9) Blaming: Pretty obvious, “it is all your/his/her fault I am in this situation”

So yeah, that’s a lot to work on. I plan on writing and rebuffing these statements as they crop up, and will report my progress once I have some.

By the way, the book I am referencing is Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel G. Amen

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According to Marion’s blog, an end of year post is obligatory, and according to Monique’s blog, a listing of 25 things about yourself is in short order. SO, I have decided to share 25 things about my past year, in order to be more efficient. Or lazy. Whichever.

1. This past year has turned my entire life upside down. Not necessarily a bad thing, since I hate to be bored.
2. This year I have become much more self-confident.
3. I have lost and then regained about 12lbs this year.
4. I decided this year to make my photography business focus on the art that I love producing, instead of boring stuff that is a dime a dozen.
5. I got a cat (or rather Larry and I both did). My first since early childhood.
6. I used internet on my phone for the first time. Now I am addicted to my iPhone.
7. I have learned to eschew extremes in favor of balance (ie trying to stick with a 100% raw diet in a cooked world).
8. I have gotten addicted to stupid internet games. Hmmm, sounds like a New Year Resolution to me.
9. I “discovered” indie music.
10. I loved two men at the same time.
11. I realized that my families approval or disapproval can’t keep me from being myself.
12. Discovered that my family is not nearly so judgmental as I had imagined.
13. I went skinny-dipping for the first time.
14. I realized how dependent I had become when I finally got a car of my own and noticed how weird it felt to drive myself somewhere alone.
15. I have noticed that I can be a bit indecisive.
16. I moved out of my first house, back into an apartment, and realized that I didn’t really mind living in an apartment.
17. For the first year ever, I can say that every wedding I shot turned out really well.
18. I lost all respect for a high school friend who could not recognize what my favor to her cost.
19. I got my second root canal.
20. I went to the East Coast for the first time.
21. I got a desk with space beneath it for my legs, after working the same job for 6.5 years without one.
22. I rented my first photography studio
23. I left my 2nd husband, even though we still love each other on some level.
24. I did not have a Christmas tree or give anyone in my family a gift.
25. I learned a lot about myself and life and my own ability to step outside the box.

So there you have it, 2008. I survived. 2009, bring it on.

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She was my best friend all through high school. We went thrift store shopping together, planned the band we were going to start, and shared everything, including Nate, our mutual ex-boyfriend.

Then, ten years ago, I moved away, and our lives changed. We saw each other once, about 6 years ago, which was nice but a bit awkward, and then managed to lose touch.

Several months, through the magic of facebook, we found each other again. I told her in an email a bit about what was going on in my life, something I was nervous about doing because my values have changed so much since we were close. I didn’t hear back, and wondered if that meant rejection. I started planning my trip back to Minnesota for Dad’s wedding,  and figured it was worth the risk asking if she wanted to see me while I was there.  Her response, “Absolutely!!! Give me a call.”

I did just that on Saturday. We talked for about two hours straight. She has changed too, and we have more in common than I had assumed we would. She wants to stay in touch this time, and I am excited to see her again in February.

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Christmas eve began a bit roughly. Larry was irritated with me over a small thing, and I allowed it to get me irritated as well. I started to cry in the car on the way down to his families house. It started being about the irritation between us, and the fact that it had stolen the little Christmas spirit I had been able to muster. After a few minutes, though, it became obvious there was more to it. Part of me was really sad at spending my first Christmas away from Neal. He may no longer be my sweetheart, but I still care about him and think of him as family. After a little while, I got that out of my system and managed to enjoy my evening with Larry’s family.

That night, after his family went to bed, we jumped into the hot tub. It was still snowing, and the contrast between the snow falling on our heads and the warm water was delightful.

Christmas morning was a flurry of gift opening, mostly the 7,000 gifts for April, the only child in the family. With a maturity beyond her 4 years, she meticulously examined each item, clothing or toy, before moving on to the next. This was humorous at first, until it became obvious that the mountain of presents was hardly shrinking after about an hour.

Gail, Larry’s mom, is quite generous and likes to include everyone equally, whether they are her child or not. She gave me several great books and cd’s, a sonic toothbrush, and a serger. I tried the serger out a little on Sunday, and am excited about how much easier and nicer my seams will be from here on out. My gift for her was a large framed portrait of her family. I took it about a month earlier, under the guise of needing it for my portfolio. She seemed happy and even a little surprised.

All in all, it was a pretty good time. I like that his family is pretty laid back, something mine has never been. Mostly though, I am happy that it Christmas is over for one more year, with all the stress that leads up to it.

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