Palest Ink

A rainy day

I feel really crummy tonight. Life mingles with pms, leaving me in a murky soup of confusion and sadness. I feel like crying. I have, in fact, been crying, despite my desperate desire to keep Larry from thinking that I am any weepier than he already does. “You cry more than anyone I’ve ever known” he said once, and ever since, I feel weak and foolish crying in front of him, even though I know he’s only ever lived with three women, including his mom and sister, and meant the comment more as an observation than as a critisism.
I am not really sure what’s wrong. Lately I can’t seem to get my head together. I can’t make myself do what I want to do, and I can’t stop myself from doing what I don’t want to do. I am spinning my metaphorical wheels like crazy.
I have been lonely also, perhaps that is part of it? Even when Larry is around, he has not really been around. All his extra time and energy have gone into the computer work he has been doing for his Mom. I came along tonight, stuck in Spanaway with his silent concentration all night. I am pretty sure this was a mistake. If I am going to be alone, I should be doing it somewhere I have things to do, or at the very least, my bed. I guess I was just excited that he wanted me to come.
I called my ex just now, and I feel bad about it, like I am collously using him for my own gain. I know he still loves me and will overreact to the fact that I sound sad. He tells me that I am wonderful and talented, that everything will be ok. He sounds so personaly invested in whether or not I am happy as he inquires about “what is going on?”. I guess that’s what I need right now. That and a hug.