Palest Ink

Me: I always think it’s corny when people say “I am speechless”
Um. No, you’re not.
S: right, like, “you just said something, motherfucker”
me: Exactly, I’m glad someone understands.
We should probably get spandex outfits and run around beating people up who say that.
It would be a valuable public service.
S: the hackney avengers
me: And the letter on our outfits? “…”
S: and our signature phrase will be “Really? Really?”
me: yes, this is going to be awesome.
I should go practice my punching.
S: and eye rolling
me: I got that down already.
S: does it draw blood?
me: Uh….. no.
S: back to work

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For months (maybe longer?), I have been feeling overwhelmed and helpless about all the things I want/need to accomplish and seemingly unable to move forward. Every time I sit down to work at home, I would think about all the different things I should be doing in a short amount of time. I would get so paralyzed, that I pretty much did nothing instead.

Yesterday, I made a plan. I organized my goals into categories, gave each one a time frame, and entered them into an iphone organizer, so that I don’t have to hold them all in a jumble in my brain. Then, I plotted out a calendar, setting aside specific measured times to do whatever is next on the list. I also recognized my need to curtail social networking during these designated times, since that is a major distraction for me. I already feel much less “cluttered”, I think this will work.

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Me: Your razor is feeling sad and neglected.
L:Oh? Are you just assuming or did it tell you that?
Me: Yeah, well it made a pouty face at me, so the message was pretty clear.
L: That’s not a pouty face, it’s triple blade action.

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I am really excited about showing my prints at a coffee shop this week. I have never really had a public display of my work other than a graduation portfolio show, and I am really proud of the work I’m showing. Looking at them all lined up on my wall last night after I framed them was a thrill. The people at the coffee shop didn’t really know what I was bringing, so I was quite pleased when the owner was visibly impressed and told me he thought they were great. I have spent years exploring this artistic direction, figuring out where I was going with it, and it’s really nice to see that work recognized in some way.

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I am not sure what has changed recently, but I am feeling much better about life than I have in some time. It’s almost like I got sucked into a negative place, where I felt like I couldn’t think straight and all the jumbled information racing through my mind was overwhelming me and holding me back from moving forward with anything I was trying to work on. Now, I am starting to feel better and better, the fog is lifting. Needless to say, I am very excited about this change.

Side-note: I have been really bad at blogging, and have decided to try something different. I’m trying to no longer wait to write until I feel like I have something to say that is insightful and completely worked through in my head. So, hopefully you’ll see shorter, more frequent updates.

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Dearest Employer,

I am pleased to announce to you that I am no longer of an age where baby-sitting is required. There is nobody else in this business who even understands how to do what I do, and therefor having them monitor me more closely is only an added layer of inefficiency that will both hinder my ability to work, and cause me to completely despair of ever finding an ounce of satisfaction in a job for which I am underpaid. If you MUST have someone oversee me, despite the fact that I have been doing my job more than satisfactorily for 7 years, please do not choose the one person who is the biggest slacker and self-important idiot that works here. Your employees don’t respect him for very good reasons, and if you try and put him in charge of a perfectly good employee like myself, the results will only be a degradation of quality, or the loss of said perfectly good employee.

While I am at it, may I point out, that the world has changed since you started the business in the 60’s? Employees now expect to do more than punch a time card, suck up to the big boss all day while being treated like dirt/slaves, and then go home to their tract house in suburbia, waiting for the next small dose of hell in the morning. We want to feel like we matter. We want meaning and some sense of control over our lives. If your ego is so small that you really have to treat us all like daft children in order to know that you are the boss, then you really should seek some sort of professional counseling. You own the business. We don’t need you to prove to us that you are the boss. You do not need to make arbitrary decisions that serve no purpose other than to deny us that control. Treating us like we matter is only going to make us actually want the business to succeed. It might also cause us actually like being here, which can’t possibly be bad for the business. These are just a few things to think about, which I sincerely hope that you will do.

Sincerely Yours,
A Good Employee That You’ll Likely Soon Lose

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It has been an interesting couple weeks in my life. I think Valentines Day would be a great time to talk about my recent break up. On February 3rd, Larry ended our official relationship, in favor of having no “commitment and obligation” to a girlfriend at this time in his life.

My first reaction was one of despair. My life has already been uprooted once this year, and I was not feeling capable of doing it again, even if I had money to move, which I don’t. And then there was the matter of our plans to travel to Minnesota together on the 5th, this fact only increased my sense of panic. Once it became clear that we could get along and that I am not in immediate need of a new home, I calmed down. It still hurts a bit when I think about it in terms of him being willing to give up our relationship seemingly so easily, but I try to not let myself think about it in those terms. Rather, I try to realize that he wasn’t giving me what I wanted in a primary relationship anyways, not out of spite, but because he didn’t have it to offer. So in a way, renaming our relationship is a way of just acknowledging what was already there, a way to free myself from expectations that would likely have continued to be un-met until we ended up hating each other.

Spending time with two people from my past while in Minnesota last week also helped me with some perspective. The first, my mother, is a negative example. She expects other people to make her happy, and blames others when things don’t go her way. I have no desire to be like this, so I choose to make the best of wherever I find myself.

The second, my friend Sharon, is happily single. She loves herself and her life despite it’s difficulty. Regarding the feelings of desperation to find another partner after a break up, she nonchalantly says to me “Oh, those go away.” She shows me what it is like to love your own company, and makes me want to get there too.

Then there are the myriad of things I want to do, and never have time for. When I think about that, I am actually almost looking forward to being single again for the free time it affords.

I still care about Larry, and am happy that we can still get along so well, despite this sudden redefinition of what we mean to each other. I think he still cares about me, too, in his own way. Who knows what will happen in the future, all I know is everything is fine today.

And for the record, having Larry along on the trip was actually pretty good. We got to redefine our interactions with each other in a neutral space that was not connected to our former habits, and he served as a buffer between me and my mothers crazy side up until the moment he left me in Mankato to go visit his friend in the twin cities. More on that later, I will save my tales of my psychotic mother for another post.

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I have been listening to an audio book at work (something I do frequently) about the brain. One of the chapters I heard today talked about how you could see the physical effect of negative/positive thinking on the brain in spect scans, and later outlined different types of ANT’s (automatic negative thoughts) to look out for and correct.
Generally, I consider myself to be a pretty positive person. I have been somewhat aware of the need to not allow these ANT’s to sabotage my life, and thought I was doing fairly well. However, when the book when into the specific types of negative thoughts, I realized I had very few of these categories under control after all. Funny how sometimes looking at specifics sometimes seems entirely different than viewing a topic as a whole.
Anyhow, I am renewing my commitment to be aware of these and to refute them whenever they come up. Having a concrete exercise to focus on makes my problems (in this case, one of feeling more insecure, inadequate) seem less overwhelming, and it will likely do me a lot of good.
In case anyone is curious, the 9 types are:
1) “Always” or “Never” statements: like “He never listens to me..”
2) Focusing only on negative: like when you receive 12 compliments and fixate on the 1 person who is not impressed
3) Fortune Telling: Assuming that you know in advance that something is going to turn out badly
4) Mind Reading: Assuming you know what he/she is thinking, and that it is bad.
5) Thinking with your feelings: like assuming that you’re not loved just because you feel unloved in the moment.
6) Guilt Beatings: saying “I should be doing this..” or “I need to do that” instead if “I would like this” or “I’d enjoy that”
7) Labeling: like “I am stupid” instead of “I occasionally do something stupid”
Personalizing: like when you assume your boss is in a bad mood because she is mad at you, rather than any other number of possible reasons.
9) Blaming: Pretty obvious, “it is all your/his/her fault I am in this situation”

So yeah, that’s a lot to work on. I plan on writing and rebuffing these statements as they crop up, and will report my progress once I have some.

By the way, the book I am referencing is Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel G. Amen

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I feel really crummy tonight. Life mingles with pms, leaving me in a murky soup of confusion and sadness. I feel like crying. I have, in fact, been crying, despite my desperate desire to keep Larry from thinking that I am any weepier than he already does. “You cry more than anyone I’ve ever known” he said once, and ever since, I feel weak and foolish crying in front of him, even though I know he’s only ever lived with three women, including his mom and sister, and meant the comment more as an observation than as a critisism.
I am not really sure what’s wrong. Lately I can’t seem to get my head together. I can’t make myself do what I want to do, and I can’t stop myself from doing what I don’t want to do. I am spinning my metaphorical wheels like crazy.
I have been lonely also, perhaps that is part of it? Even when Larry is around, he has not really been around. All his extra time and energy have gone into the computer work he has been doing for his Mom. I came along tonight, stuck in Spanaway with his silent concentration all night. I am pretty sure this was a mistake. If I am going to be alone, I should be doing it somewhere I have things to do, or at the very least, my bed. I guess I was just excited that he wanted me to come.
I called my ex just now, and I feel bad about it, like I am collously using him for my own gain. I know he still loves me and will overreact to the fact that I sound sad. He tells me that I am wonderful and talented, that everything will be ok. He sounds so personaly invested in whether or not I am happy as he inquires about “what is going on?”. I guess that’s what I need right now. That and a hug.

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According to Marion’s blog, an end of year post is obligatory, and according to Monique’s blog, a listing of 25 things about yourself is in short order. SO, I have decided to share 25 things about my past year, in order to be more efficient. Or lazy. Whichever.

1. This past year has turned my entire life upside down. Not necessarily a bad thing, since I hate to be bored.
2. This year I have become much more self-confident.
3. I have lost and then regained about 12lbs this year.
4. I decided this year to make my photography business focus on the art that I love producing, instead of boring stuff that is a dime a dozen.
5. I got a cat (or rather Larry and I both did). My first since early childhood.
6. I used internet on my phone for the first time. Now I am addicted to my iPhone.
7. I have learned to eschew extremes in favor of balance (ie trying to stick with a 100% raw diet in a cooked world).
8. I have gotten addicted to stupid internet games. Hmmm, sounds like a New Year Resolution to me.
9. I “discovered” indie music.
10. I loved two men at the same time.
11. I realized that my families approval or disapproval can’t keep me from being myself.
12. Discovered that my family is not nearly so judgmental as I had imagined.
13. I went skinny-dipping for the first time.
14. I realized how dependent I had become when I finally got a car of my own and noticed how weird it felt to drive myself somewhere alone.
15. I have noticed that I can be a bit indecisive.
16. I moved out of my first house, back into an apartment, and realized that I didn’t really mind living in an apartment.
17. For the first year ever, I can say that every wedding I shot turned out really well.
18. I lost all respect for a high school friend who could not recognize what my favor to her cost.
19. I got my second root canal.
20. I went to the East Coast for the first time.
21. I got a desk with space beneath it for my legs, after working the same job for 6.5 years without one.
22. I rented my first photography studio
23. I left my 2nd husband, even though we still love each other on some level.
24. I did not have a Christmas tree or give anyone in my family a gift.
25. I learned a lot about myself and life and my own ability to step outside the box.

So there you have it, 2008. I survived. 2009, bring it on.

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